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Well well well, where to begin. At first glance, I realize that the title is not the most brilliant way to get people to read my writing, but I'm just going to go ahead and instead of defending my miserably poor choice of a title, just claim artistic license.
Now that all the formalities have been dispensed with, I'd like to take this opportunity to just let the readers of Associated Content just who I am and what I'm all about. Quite honestly, the story isn't very interesting, so I've spruced it up where appropriate.
I began life as a small ball of cells in a completely ordinary uterus. Upon birth, I weighed slightly less than the average baby hippo, and was considerably uglier. After only a few short months out of the womb, I quickly realized that my uncanny ability to make complete strangers smitten with me was largely due to my pudginess, my lack of teeth, and my lack of linguistic skills. This of course, had very dire ramifications for my parents, who between touting my finer points (my collection of peachy head-fuzz, my bouncy baby fat, etc.), were engaged in mediating a constant struggle between my ever-vigilant bowel movements, the carpet in our house, and the latest, most absorbent brand of Huggies diapers.
Of course, I soon stopped soiling myself, and life just got progressively more complicated from then on out. At age 5 I started school, which as everyone knows is just a place parents send their kids to have their wills broken by terible people wielding all kinds of draconian torture-devices. I knew that there were those who derived some sick masochistic pleasure from all of this “schooling”, but to me, arithmetic, english, and elementary science (you know, the kind that involves Disney characters) were just terrible instruments of the authoritarian machine that was the public school system. Of course, 12 raw-knuckled and catatonic years later, I graduated from the mindless humdrum of secondary education and left for college, which is where I reside now.
And now for a synopsis of what is quite possibly the shortest life story in the history of…well..ever. I am a college student, and at the risk of being labeled an over-idealistic drain on taxpayer resources, let me assure you that I posess no such traits. Sure, I've protested, written inflammatory letters, formulated wild ideas, loved, hated, and spontaneously combusted with the resy of my demographic, but I like to think that I'm just as cynical as the slough of 40-plus men and women who are trying to figure out how to write off performance payments on this site as business expenses on their tax returns. And for those doubters out there, just remember that my taxes (oh yes, I pay taxes) are paying for your Social Security and Medicare benefits. Keep me happy or else Viagra and Levitra are going to get a whole lot more expensive.
P.S.
I'll usually be more serious than this. Right now I'm just not feeling in the mood to relate my thoughts on some of the heavier stuff I have floating around in the back of my head. I'm looking forward to a good stint here at AC, and as a matter of note, comments/constructive criticism are always appreciated.
